If You Keep Building These Walls
by MidnightRavenFromTheClock
Summary: Everything he's been through recently, the torture, the memories, it all lead to this. Magnus has until the rose dies to decide. And he finds himself really hating that rose. An exploration of the dark headspace Magnus is in after everything he's been through and how it leads to that terrible thing that happened last episode, which I will not name. Loosely follows 2x18.


**So I love the theory that the break-up wasn't actually a break-up, but this is not one of those stories. Sorry. I guess I just needed to write something angsty after that episode. The title is from the song 'Concrete Angel', by Gareth Emery.**

Like all things seelie, the rose was beautiful. But that wasn't why Magnus kept twirling it around his fingers. In fact, to Magnus, the flower was almost repulsive. With its frying edges and darkening leaves, it inspired a sense foreboding. It was a symbol of an end, or a beginning. And Magnus couldn't stop staring at it, as if the small rose somehow held all the answers.

How had everything gone so wrong?

Magnus had lived centuries and he prided himself on his ability to read people and situations, at this point, he rarely let things creep up on him, but somehow, Alexander lightwood had caught him by surprise. It seemed that when it came to the young Shadowhunter, everything was unexpected. And this situation had been just that.

Magnus felt a flare of anger and let his hands curl into fists. He scolded himself for allowing this to happen, for once again letting someone break his heart. One would think he would've learned by now.

Suddenly, his thoughts drifted to Ragnor. His heart lurched painfully, the loss still too fresh. Ragnor had been his oldest friend and now, more than ever, Magnus wished he could talk to him. But wasn't that just more proof of the Seelie Queen's claims? It was helping Shadowhunters that had caused Ragnor his life. They were supposed to protect him, but they only protected their own.

"Damn it." Magnus put the rose on the table a little too forcefully and rested his head in his hands, rubbing his temples as if trying to soothe a headache.

He was too angry, too rash, Magnus knew that, logically. He'd been alive long enough to recognize those kind of things. But did that necessary meant he was wrong? Perhaps it was the anger that allowed him to see more clearly, without the biases his feelings created. What if the Queen was right, and this was the best way to protect his people?

Magnus sighed and went to look out the window. Before he knew what he was doing, his hands were already reaching for the omamori charm in his pocket.

 _"It's supposed to bring good luck and protection."_

Magnus closed his eyes as the memories engulfed him. He thought about their first time together, the overwhelming panic when he'd felt his glamour slipping.

 _"Sometimes, I lose control."_

And about the look in Alec's eyes, the smile that had tucked at his lips.

 _"They're beautiful. You're beautiful."_

So many before had been repulsed by the demonic cat eyes and Alec, a Shadowhunter, accepted them without a moment's hesitation.

It had been the first time in over a hundred years, maybe even longer, that Magnus had truly let his walls down. Somehow he'd slowly let all his defenses down for Alec. And now he couldn't help but think how stupid that had been.

After all, when had that ever not ended in disaster?

…

Magnus was pacing in the hallway, occasionally eyeing Alexander with worry. When Alec first asked for help, he'd almost closed the door, but then Alec had explained the situation.

Magnus wished he could help. For all his anger and hurt, in that moment he wanted nothing more than to fix this for Alexander, for all the Lightwoods. He hated that there was tension between him and Alexander, that he couldn't comfort him like he ached to. And most of all he hated that stupid rose slowly dying in his pocket. Somehow, it felt like it was trying to take a part of Magnus himself with it.

The silent brother stepped outside and everyone stood up anxiously.

 _It is done. But his condition remains uncertain._

"Maybe I should take a look." Magnus offered. The silent brother nodded almost undetectably and went back inside, leaving the door open behind him.

Magnus noticed Alec sending him a grateful look before he stepped inside the room.

Magnus looked at Max sadly. His experience with the boy hadn't been exactly pleasant, but he was just a kid. Whatever anger and uncertainty Magnus held in his heart, he let it go and put everything he had towards healing Max.

He didn't know how long he was at it, but eventually he let his magic subside and sighed with relief. Max would live. Without wasting any time, Magnus hurried to tell the Lightwoods the good news.

It wasn't much later that Max opened his eyes and was engulfed by his extremely relieved and happy family. Magnus watched the Lightwoods, despite all their issues, come together in this joyful moment. It was then, that he finally knew what he would do.

This wasn't his life. A happy family, unconditional love, people who would spend hours in a hallway, unraveling and worrying like their whole world was falling apart, because _that_ was how much they cared. Magnus didn't get to have that. He never had… and he never would. His resurfaced memories showed that, and recent events only proved it to be true. He was an outsider in those kind of things and all opening his heart could ever achieve was disappointment and pain. He had to put his people first, that was his job as a leader. He wouldn't compromise that again.

"I should go." Magnus said. "Max, you take care of yourself." He looked at everyone in the room and let his lips twitch into an almost smile before leaving the room.

Magnus was staring at the rose again, the one he felt a personal kind of hatred towards. There was still time, he could still change his mind… or maybe he really couldn't. Maybe there was no choice at all.

Alec stepped out into the hallway and Magnus quickly hid the offending flower. He shouldn't have lingered.

"Magnus." Alec stopped him from leaving. "Thank you, so much for being here."

Magnus nodded. "I'm glad Max is okay."

Magnus turned around to leave again, when Alec's quick _"I'm sorry"_ stopped him in his tracks.

"I should have told you about the Soul Sword." The honesty in Alec's voice made Magnus slowly turn back around. "I made a mistake. But you and me-" Alec's voice was soft and breathless as he took Magnus's hands. "-we always seem to find our way back to each other." He paused and Magnus couldn't help but stare at Alec's eyes. "Magnus, I love you."

Magnus's heart jumped, just like it always did when Alexander said those words. It filled him with warmth and hope and made him want to tear down every wall he'd ever build around himself. And it was almost enough.

He touched Alec's cheek. "I love you too."

For a moment he let himself get lost in Alec's eyes. _Let me have this, just for one more moment._

He thought about his mother, so young and beautiful and full of life, choosing death over him. His father, never truly figuring out how to love him. He thought about that small moment of relief after he realized his father was gone, before the realization truly sank in.

He could see Camille, playing with his heart as if he was a toy. Manipulating and breaking him apart little by little.

 _"You're immortal, but she killed you."_

Ragnor, dying in his arms.

He thought about Alexander, reminding him what it was like to feel alive. All the good memories of their relationship he'd been going through all day… and all the bad.

Finally, he thought about Alec's family, standing over Max's bed. And the realization that this kind of connection between people was foreign to him.

Magnus sighed heavily and braced himself.

"But as a leader. There are difficult decisions I have to make to ensure the survival of my people." Alec's smile fell. "The only thing holding me back from doing that… is you."

Alec's face crumpled. "No. No." He whispered.

"I can't have both."

"Yes you can. We can." Alec said quickly. "We- Magnus, we can figure this out."

Magnus wanted to believe him.

"You once asked me what I was afraid of." He found Alec's eyes. "It's this."

 _It's you._

He turned around and started walking towards the elevator.

The walls rebuilt themselves, stronger than ever.

He turned around in the elevator only to glimpse Alec's grief-stricken face before the doors closed. He almost used his magic to make the doors open again, almost ran back to engulf Alexander in his arms.

Instead, he let the elevator move down. It felt like an ending.

 **Wtf I actually made myself cry writing this. I was re-watching the ending of the episode to get the correct dialogue, and writing while I was watching and I just started crying. This has NEVER happened to me before. Look what Malec has made of me.**

 **Anyway, for all the fellow grieving Malec shippers out there, I'm sure they'll get back together soon, like at the end of the season at least. Or maybe they're actually on a break instead of broken up, that works too.**

 **Yeah I have no idea how to link Tumblr, but I'm InWinterHaze there and on twitter, I don't have much there, but I'd love to chat.**


End file.
